worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
