We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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