Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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