Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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