Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
