I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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