I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
