Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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