just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Randomize
