that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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