Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
