Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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