i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
