I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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