Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Sober January is a disaster.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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