i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
