Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
