I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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