My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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