So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
