It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
