I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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