Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
