My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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