I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
