I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
