ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
