I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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