Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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