just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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