I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
