shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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