No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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