so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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