i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
