I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
