Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
