Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
