Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
