She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
