I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
