dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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