So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
