Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Girls should come with a carfax report
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
