Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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