It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It's never too late to be topless.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
