I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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