i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
