True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
