Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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