I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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