Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
