Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
