i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
